Kurt Swensen

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A must read from our good friend Alex B………..

I have chosen to post the following for several reasons. The most important is because I think that it speaks to and for many of us in recovery from a variety of issues. My friend Alex has stepped into his life and his recovery in a passionate, comprehensive, and incredibly brave and honorable way. I told him that I wanted to honor his work and the amazing progress he has made, while at the same time respecting his privacy. Alex is the kind of person that makes my job a privilege, a joy, and an honor. His ability to process his material and work through his “stuff” to the point of resolution is the reason I get out of bed every morning with enthusiasm, and enjoy my “work” as much as I do. His writing is an expression of commitment, bravery, and intensity to his craft. I wish him well in his effort to share his work with the world, along with my respect and support for all he has done (and will do) to impress upon the recovering community the importance of integrity and authenticity.

Alex lives with what the Italians call Potenza, meaning, “power. or might.” It is with pleasure, honor, and joy, that I share the following.

FromΒ Alex B

I am afraid that people will judge me, because I am judge-mental of other people.

I am angry about my job, because I am angry about the way I am, at my job.

I am afraid to give others advice and criticism, because I am afraid of the advice and criticism others might offer me.

I am sad about the world, because I am sad about who I am in this world.

I am angry with certain people, because certain people remind me, of a part of me, that I have a hard time embracing.

I am afraid of being a leader, because I am afraid people will not follow me, since I do not follow anyone.

I am afraid of failing, because I am afraid no one will love me for being a failure, since I have not loved someone for failing.

I am afraid of being successful, because I am afraid no one will love me for being successful, since I am jealous of those who are successful around me.

I do not like anybody, because I do not like who I am.

I am jealous of certain people, because I am angry at myself for being afraid of a part of me, that certain people embrace in themselves.

I am afraid of being alone, because I am afraid of discovering who I really am.

I am afraid of being quiet, because I am afraid that my voice will not be heard.

I have a history of panic attacks and anxiety because I believe that there is something wrong with me, I feel like “everyone else gets it” except for me.

I am afraid of donating blood, of riding in planes, of getting vaccinated, of getting my hair cut and of sitting in church because I am afraid of being vulnerable, since in these instances I have no option to hide myself from other people.

I am afraid of having heart attacks, having seizures, having diabetes, having tumors, having strokes, going blind and losing my mind because I am afraid of my body, I am afraid of my mind, and I believe that I do not have any integrity.

I believe that I am weak, because there have been times when I have not taken responsibility for who I am when I needed to the most.

I am afraid that my life is not going to work out according to my expectation because I am afraid of opening my heart and mind to the possibilities that life has to offer me.

I am afraid of my life, I am afraid of who I was, of who I am and of who I will become.

I am afraid to be me.

Kurt Swensen • December 19, 2011


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