Hard to settle. Felt silly. Lost in thoughts. Accepted all of this. It’s been a while.
Saw my garden, very large woman there. Tall, ethereal, beautiful legs and hair, couldn’t see anything else. Said she was river woman and then started waving hair and legs as one, turning flips, spinning.
I pushed her away (I felt she was not mine and I wasn’t ready for her, or that her presence there was somehow premature or not right) and slipped back out, to thoughts and plans.
Made it back, called out, saw the monk. Settled in front of him. He was answering before I asked. Do the work. You know this. What’s the work? The connection. With what? Yourself. Your true, authentic self. There’s nothing else.
There was a handle on the ground, shiny metal. Sometimes looked like the handle on the back of a bull, like in the rodeo. He said, “Sit here and hold that, no matter what; it will take you to the center. All other things fall away. Leave ‘Should I go to the workshop in July’ and ‘How will I pay my bills’ on the outside with the birds and trees. They take care of themselves. What’s out there isn’t connected to your true self, isn’t its concern.”
I held to the handle, and the earth moved, then took off like a rocket. I held on, through storms and wind and rain and flying, then we went into a center of light. I held back, then released fully into it, and it exploded with light through all the realms, and then there was only light. No me, no handle, no center, no decisions, just light. It felt eternal. I said to myself, “Float in that space without thoughts.”
I was back with the monk. I asked again about the workshop, feeling kind of silly but wanting to share the insights, and he shrugged. I said “I don’t know what I’ll be doing the last week of July, and that’s okay. It will be the right thing.” And he said, “There is no last week of July. There is only light.”
Then I realized that I knew all along what I need to do; the worry comes from trying to figure out what I’m going to do. There’s only been one thing, the connection to the light, and it’s always been so. I had an image of myself calm and centered while all the “stuff” in my life works itself out. People were amazed at this, and I just said, “That stuff just works itself out; it isn’t mine.”